The night the demons came out

Yesterday night was tiring. My super sensitive stomach decided to launch a volcanic eruption.

I narrowed the trigger suspects as – aloo cheese sandwich, mixture or cappuccino from a machine which is inhabited by one roach. My night was spend between running to throw up and sitting in the loo.

I called in sick today though I am sure it will be a vacation leave because I am serving my notice period and when you are working for an MNC like where I do, you loose your status as a homo sapien.

Sickness brings out the demons in me. The ones that I have safely locked back of my mind cause they turn my inner monologues suicidal and depressive. During my hostel day’s stomach illness, stomach infection and gastroenteritis frequented me. My initial reaction would be to call home and yell at my parents. Somehow transferring the blame to them and ending the conversation with, “I am dying and there’s no one to look after me” made me feel better.

Sounds like unnecessary drama, but staying in the hostel was tough especially if you were sick. I recall running to the loo at 2 in the morning to throw up. There would be no lights and the basin would get clogged so you had to take a stick and shove your own puke down the drain for round two for throwing up.

Five years later my stomach illnesses have become occasional. I still call my parents and politely say I am dying. Every time I am sick, Pandora’s Box just opens automatically. Out come the demons. My entire life flashes in front of me.  Its like a rewind your life trip I am on – I map things which I should have done, things I should not have done, things were I had no control, things to this day I have no clue why had to happen. In short, the flood gates open and I end up feeling miserable.

Being sick makes you realize your vulnerability. Knowing your vulnerability is a strength at the same time painful. Currently, I am in this space of mind where I am aware, I am in my late twenties, single in the city, surrounded by engaged, married or soon to be married friends, adapting to perception changes in my mind.

All it takes is a stomach upset to reinforce that small doubt in my mind – What if you are going to throw up in the night and there won’t be anyone to get you a cup of water? What if your appendix bursts at 3 am and there is no one to take you to the hospital. What if you are sick and there is no one to call you and ask how you are doing.  What if all you end up with is loneliness?

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?” Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy.

Only time can teach how to keep you from drowning I guess.

Good night.

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August 13 – pause and play

new beginnings and farewell speeches –

august 13 leads the way for a country of more than a billion people waiting to celebrate their independence. hope that at least this year we wont be buying Indian flags made in China. one day for corporate India to sleep a little late. unfortunately, aug 15 is a sunday this year. a major loss for the employed. important events in history include births, deaths, conquests which have no bearing on my existence. but we are two days away from the British Raj being dissolved in India. INDEPENDENCE.

this year independence has a new meaning in my life. come aug 13, i wont be seeing a pay cheque for sometime, freedom from globalization, freedom to speak my mind, freedom to be aggressive for what I believe in, freedom to hold my own fort midst a million pseudo personalities, freedom to choose and drum roll moment – freedom to step out of my comfort zone.

aug 13, i end a two year, eight months stint with an internet giant. currently, im in the process of writing a creative farewell speech. below is the first draft –

Hi,

Personally I find farewell mails absolutely boring. Adjectives run liberally in and out of context. Infact, they make me diabetic due to the high sugar and maple syrup content. Talking about maple syrup you guys must have the French toast in Egg Factory on St. Marks Road.

You will be in for a treat cause of the liberal serving of yummy Maple syrup. Knowing that most of you check mail once a day, I am sure the classic farewell mails will self dentate in your inbox before it sees light.

Taking the above into consideration, I decided to write something meaningful, non-bullyish, truthful and hopefully worth your reading time.

I have been greatly inspired by the scriptwriter who writes Meredith Grey’s inner monologue. One monologue goes something like this, “you might have these seconds of absolute clarity in your mind where you really know what your want to do and can see yourself doing it…” We all have had our share of two seconds of absolute clarity. Personally, I have had countless two seconds moments. Throw in two external variables and unfortunately the rest of the 58 seconds were over powering. But not since July 12th.

The weekend of July 12th changed a lot for me. After my deadly potential promotion interview supposed screw up, I did not find much comfort in the company of words such as introspection, karma, hard work though I must confess bitching does wonders for the soul.

Copious amounts of home made black coffee, Meredith Grey’s monologue, my follower’s tweets and an article I had read ages ago on Steve Jobs ensured my two seconds of absolute clarity was alive. It was alive and kicking my Id, Ego and Superego.

I began connecting the dots. Going backwards and connecting every dot. It made perfect sense. Yahoo! was one dot which ensured that all the other dots fell into place. Me staying in India, my amazing friends, my friends turned family, the numerous hilarious and mind blowing experiences I have had, the horrible people I have met who should burn in hell, the absolutely wonderful people who make my day, lot of personal stuff, being broke, loss of a friend, realizing that India’s foreign policy still troubles me a lot as it did since my Christ days.

Being here has brought in a lot of clarity in my two seconds moment. I have found what I would love to do and hence have to move on.

Hoping you say Eureka to your two second moment soon.

yes the cheesy last line is for the target audience.

goodnight|1.30pm