The night the demons came out

Yesterday night was tiring. My super sensitive stomach decided to launch a volcanic eruption.

I narrowed the trigger suspects as – aloo cheese sandwich, mixture or cappuccino from a machine which is inhabited by one roach. My night was spend between running to throw up and sitting in the loo.

I called in sick today though I am sure it will be a vacation leave because I am serving my notice period and when you are working for an MNC like where I do, you loose your status as a homo sapien.

Sickness brings out the demons in me. The ones that I have safely locked back of my mind cause they turn my inner monologues suicidal and depressive. During my hostel day’s stomach illness, stomach infection and gastroenteritis frequented me. My initial reaction would be to call home and yell at my parents. Somehow transferring the blame to them and ending the conversation with, “I am dying and there’s no one to look after me” made me feel better.

Sounds like unnecessary drama, but staying in the hostel was tough especially if you were sick. I recall running to the loo at 2 in the morning to throw up. There would be no lights and the basin would get clogged so you had to take a stick and shove your own puke down the drain for round two for throwing up.

Five years later my stomach illnesses have become occasional. I still call my parents and politely say I am dying. Every time I am sick, Pandora’s Box just opens automatically. Out come the demons. My entire life flashes in front of me.  Its like a rewind your life trip I am on – I map things which I should have done, things I should not have done, things were I had no control, things to this day I have no clue why had to happen. In short, the flood gates open and I end up feeling miserable.

Being sick makes you realize your vulnerability. Knowing your vulnerability is a strength at the same time painful. Currently, I am in this space of mind where I am aware, I am in my late twenties, single in the city, surrounded by engaged, married or soon to be married friends, adapting to perception changes in my mind.

All it takes is a stomach upset to reinforce that small doubt in my mind – What if you are going to throw up in the night and there won’t be anyone to get you a cup of water? What if your appendix bursts at 3 am and there is no one to take you to the hospital. What if you are sick and there is no one to call you and ask how you are doing.  What if all you end up with is loneliness?

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?” Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy.

Only time can teach how to keep you from drowning I guess.

Good night.

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